What to Do About Toxic Relationships: How to Be Vulnerable & Take Responsibility
The word toxic gets thrown around a lot. We hear about toxic people, toxic relationships. Not ignoring the reality of truly toxic people (they exist!), how many of these situations are actually a result of people not taking personal responsibility in their lives and relationships?
Issues and problems will inevitably arise in any relationship. When those issues are left to fester without being addressed, they develop into full-blown resentment and toxic behaviors. But what if we could avoid this altogether? What if we all believed that we had the power within us to live in authentic, honest, and fulfilling relationships with ourselves and others?
Turns out there is a lot of overlap between personal responsibility, vulnerability, and relationships. Let’s take a deeper look.
The Reality of Toxic Relationships
For the average relationship in which there is no abusive or highly manipulative behavior, the feeling of toxicity can still be present. This toxicity manifests in relationships when people project onto the other person and live in a victim mindset.
Most of this behavior stems from past hurts and underlying issues. It may be triggered by their partner, but ultimately comes from unhealed parts of themselves showing up in the relationship. For example, someone who grew up with absent parents might be triggered by their partner taking off with their friends for the evening, because it makes them feel alone or abandoned.
But, if that person works to heal from their childhood pain of abandonment, they can give their partner space and not take it as abandonment. If the healing doesn’t take place, resentment grows and leads to what we often call toxic behavior in a relationship.
Taking Personal Responsibility
Healing from past hurts is a hard thing to do—it can’t happen overnight, and can only happen through a commitment to be personally responsible for your life and relationships. So, how can someone begin to take personal responsibility in a relationship? Consider these points as a starting place towards a stronger, self-actualized marriage or relationship:
- Personal responsibility begins with recognizing the unhealed parts of you and committing to working through them.
- Personal responsibility requires authenticity about who you are, what you care about, and what you are looking for.
- Personal responsibility fights co-dependent tendencies and recognizes that you can be attractive, happy, and whole on your own, without another person fulfilling everything for you. This is key to building a self-actualized marriage or relationship.
Lead with Vulnerability
A lot of personal responsibility ultimately comes down to authenticity and vulnerability—showing up as your true self, both by yourself and in a relationship or marriage. Vulnerability is about aligning your words and your actions with your values and communicating those to your partner.
Vulnerability is the key to a healthy relationship and should start early on. This gives you the chance to see if you are truly aligned; if you’re not, end it early before carrying it through into something toxic. Here are some other aspects of vulnerability in relationships:
- Communicate with clarity. Whether it is your sexual preferences or your daily priorities, your partner deserves to clearly know and understand what you are looking for so that they can choose to be involved or not.
- Know your “why” for being in a relationship or marriage. And it’s not enough to say, “Because everyone is!” Just because there is a cultural norm does not mean that it is your reason. Know your why and stay true to it.
- Accept that one person cannot fulfil every part of your life. Part of a self-actualized marriage or relationships is not putting pressure on your partner to be everything for you.
Toxicity will always exist, but it does not need to be a reoccurring pattern in your relationships. Start by recognizing it for what it is, start the self-healing process by taking personal responsibility, and move with vulnerability and authenticity in your life and relationships.
